The Grass is Greener in My Mind

Everyone has their own issues with their wants and their shortcomings. Although I learned, understood, and *believed* the concept of eliminating wants and desires in order to achieve happiness, I still managed to fk it up (I *always* manage to fk it up – insert eye roll here –> ).

I just couldn’t shake the idea that if I just had “X”, I’d be happy (pun intended there). Everything turned into this long drawn out episode of the grass being greener on the other side of my life: the grass looks greener after this job is over; the grass looks so green if he and I were together again; the grass looks soooooooo green if I was on a beach in Fiji with nothing to do but drink coconut water and sun bathe. And eat escoveitched fish with lots of scotch bonnet pepper; the grass starts lookin very green if I was to host my own show, preferably dealing with travelling.

Simply put, I have GIG syndrome (Grass Is Greener…). And for my own safety, I have to restrain myself and liberate myself from these thoughts. One day I’ll have to start believing that I am enough. And charged with positive energy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The other day, a friend of mine said something profound. In return I said something even more profound. Okay, so it wasn’t all that profound, but I surprised myself to say it. No pre-meditation… just flow.

She was relating her experience with relationships.

“Everyone loves different,” she said. “I used to want to be loved the same way… get the same openness, the same honesty that I gave in return… only to learn we all have different ways of expressing the same thing. We all love maybe the same amount, maybe more, maybe less, but we all show it differently.”

That was her profound statement.

And I agreed with her.

I said, “It’s a shame that that expectation is a mistake. I always thought it was ‘fair’, but there is no definition of fairness…. when everyone has a different definition of the game altogether.”

It seemed ultra profound the moment I said it. I guess it lost a bit of gloss while I was over buffing it. But it makes sense, right? And it ties into my “GIG” theory about fabricating great expectations. Ultimately… you’ll only set yourself up for disappointment. And you’ll want to blame, and finger point…

To me, the solution became clearer. Place your faith and expectations in yourself — don’t allow yourself to get ugly at someone else’s expense. Eliminate external/excessive wants/desires by fulfilling yourself. Allow your joy to spring forth from within… and use that inner positivity as fertilizer for (to nuture) your spirit. Live in the present, live in the moment, live for yourself. The greatness will follow.

And the grass on your side will be greenest.

~*Flourish*~

[Exit USR.]

*Joy*

Waiting for a particular turn of events is a good way to lead yourself into disappointment. Depending on anyone to make you happy, make you feel good, or lift your spirit is a sure way to place yourself in isolation. When your joy is dependent on people and conditions, it is restricted.

Joy must spring forth from you before it can surround you. Joy must be the way you walk and the way you speak to those who come into your realm. Joy is knowing you are doing what you can, the best you can, and you are feeling good about it. Joy is knowing time is on your side and wherever you are, you are the joy. Joy is taking a moment to say thank you, a day to do for self, and an energy of sharing what you have.

Joy is not what happens to you, it is what comes through you when you are conscious of the blessing you are.

I am the source of joy.

- Iyanla Vanzant, from “One Day My Soul Just Opened Up: 40 Days and 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength”

~*Cruel World*~

Monday, 25 APR 05

Ever notice when you break up with someone, how the world punishes you by bombarding you with reminders of the person?

All of a sudden there are signs on campus advertising an organization that bears his nickname, you’re job hunting and there’s an obscure town with a pop. of 500 in Ohio called [insert his last name here]. You’re at work and populating a contact list of specific employees, 5 of which have his first name or a variation thereof. You’re driving, and there are billboard ads about vacation deals to the city he lives in.

Everything reminds you of something from that experience you’re trying so hard to forget… Were all these signs there before? Or are you just more in tuned? Did someone put that there for spite? Or is some force pushing you into the path of these destructive symbols?

More over… how long before they go away, or you stop noticing altogether?

How long before I heal?

"Maybe you’ll be there…"

But *he* wasn’t anywhere I was tonight… Listened to Diana Krall on the way home… dropped off Eileen at the hotel… got gas with Eileen (finally) after running on below empty for the whole night (thank you Buddha for hodling up the gas needle! I knew all those belly rubs were good for something)… drove down a seemingly hopeless road (for the 2nd time… the 1st time not beliving Eileen, the 2ne time trusting her instinct totally) for 30 seconds and found 5 gas stations within a 2 second radius of each other… dropped off Mike, Jean Paul, and Rob at the hotel… got a little lost/sidtracked when Rob suggested a wrong direction in search of gasolina… continued a day long freak-out over my car’s lack of fuel… left Jeannette’s because Mike got shit faced and blatantly tried hitting on me (not cool. Even though he subtly tries at work all the time… the uber-drunk, pushy, packed club-esque type approach is s unattractive, esp when they wreak of alcohol) … taught them all how to dance to “reggae” (haha, who woulda thunk it?! Me? Teaching people how to dance to dancehall — haha)… took all kindsa crazy mad headed pix… had some water and some soda… pulled up to Jeannette’s at about 1:45 with the 4 crazy NY-ers, because all the bars/clubs closed at frikkin 2… Decided to change plans on the way there… Finally pushed out with the ppl… Mike decided he’d go and made a scene by jumping on the back of my car (it’s so blatantly obvious that he’s younger…)… Mike said he didn’t want to go again because he didn’t want to hang out with Eileen (what a retard)… Everyone finally got together downstairs… Eileen met us downstairs… Jean Paul and Rob were taking a bit longer… Eileen went back up to change her shoes… Eileen, Mike, and I headed to the elevator… I told Jean Paul and Rob to hurry up and meet us downstairs… clubs were closing soon… Mike came in and wanted to go, too… I linked Jean Paul and Rob in JP’s room… Finally heard from Jeannette and started making plans to go to The Nook… I linked Eileen, even though it was kinda late… Sent Jeannette another text message to ask if we were still linking up for her brother’s bday… got the msg that *he* wasn’t waiting on me again… put on loads of make up (because the longer I have to get ready, the more make up I have time to put on)… hoped to see *him* tonight, so I wore a cute teeny tiny top (in 30 degree weather, under a sweater and a coat of course) and “good” underwear (haha)… took a quick hot shower… inhaled about a half dozen veggie chick’n nuggets… woke up at about 10 and started thinking about and planning what I’d say, hoping to resolve this issue painlessly, responsibly, and soon… I wanted to see *him*.

Average Day (haha)

Yesterday, I hit a slum. Not my all-time low (not by a long shot), but definitely a hump in the road.

Woke up on time after having caught only 4 hours of “Z”s (them suckers are tricky bastards). Got ready, left “on time”. Parking ticket on car (for parking withing 5 ft of my own driveway). Got on highway, missed the exit, took the next one to turn around only to learn that the right exit was on the left (not the right), so I passed it again…. Finally got to the appt a half hour late, which pushed me back 5 mins for the next appt (they were not pleased). Almost got hit by a caravan on the way home (my fault entirely), and of course, was afraid to park before coming inside.

Not so bad so far. But could be better.

*sigh*